Ways to annoy the FMA crew!
by CeasedExistence
Summary: 31 ways to annoy each of the major characters on Full Metal Alchemist. Why 31? No idea, just be glad it isn't 13. This chapter: Pinako
1. Edward Elric

**Ways to Annoy Edward Elric**

1) Tell him that he isn't short; he's just fun-sized!

2) Make his favorite food and tell him he has to drink a glass of milk to get it.

3) Tell him that next time he goes to see Mustang; he should fight fire with water.

4) Call him short.

5) Buy him a ladder for Christmas.

6) Get him a Winry bobble-head doll, so that he doesn't have to break his automail to have an excuse to see her anymore.

7) Tell him his hair looks girly.

8) Give him the number of your hair stylist. Tell him to call them right away.

9) Call him 'Chibi-san'

10) Tell him that 'Good things come in small packages'

11) Ask him why he doesn't like milk. Insist that he repeat this several times, because you do not understand.

12) Tell him that alchemy isn't science, because science says alchemy isn't real.

13) Pretend you are a Vulcan. Try to mind-meld with him.

14) Every time he says something, reply with, 'It is not logical.'

15) Tell him that he should consider high heels.

16) Use his head as an armrest.

17) Mess up his hair.

18) Ask him if he's bipolar.

19) Tell him that you have the number of an excellent therapist, if he's interested.

20) If he isn't interested, tell him they know about the Philosopher's Stone, to trick him into getting an appointment.

21) Tell him to look at it this way; he will never be forced to slow dance at any formal engagements, because all the women are taller than him.

22) Ask him about his hero complex.

23) Wonder out loud how he's supposed to get his license if he can't reach the pedals.

24) Suggest a bike.

25) Get him a bike. Add one of those little bells that sound like fingernails on a chalkboard.

26) Tell him he's emo. Suggest dyeing his hair black, for that 'emo-sheek look'

27) Buy him a diary.

28) Read his diary out loud to the others at the office.

29) Ask him why he won't let Al have a cat.

30) Get Al a cat. Tell Ed he has been out-voted, and Al may keep it.

31) Tell him Envy's hotter.


	2. Colonel Mustang

**Ways to Annoy Roy Mustang**

Buy a squirt bottle and fill it with cold water. Squirt him on the back of the neck with it every time he does something 'bad'.

Tell him that his head looks like a mushroom.

Tell him to lay off Edo-kun, and just snog him already.

Buy Hawkeye a water gun.

Ask him why he doesn't just set his paperwork on fire, if he hates it so much.

Refuse to use his real name.

Call him Colonel Rod-Up-His-Ass instead. Insist everyone else do the same.

Switch his coffee to decafe.

After 3 weeks, switch it to espresso.

Slip some espresso to Edo-kun.

Wash his gloves.

Ask him if his mother cuts his hair.

Dye all of his underwear pink.

Dye his uniform pink.

Dye his hair pink.

Tell him that now, he matches.

Ask him why he is afraid of commitment.

Tell him that he has a God-complex.

Tell him that Edo-kun isn't short, he's just freakishly tall.

Ask him if he likes swimming.

Tell him that he's a pyro-maniac.

Casually mention that there are support groups for people like him.

Ask him if he's afraid of the rain.

Refer him to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Take away all of his coffee and alcohol. Tell him that this is an intervention.

Spend all day following him around and giving him the finger. See how long it takes him to say something.

Ask him lots of pointless questions. After each answer, ask, 'Is that your _final_ answer?' in your best Regis Philman voice.

Smack him on the arm and say 'mosquito' every few minutes.

Tell him to get a girlfriend.

Ask if it would kill him to crack a smile.

Scare him crapless by mentioning that Hawkeye is o her period… on your way out the door.


	3. Riza Hawkeye

**Ways to Annoy Riza Hawkeye**

Take away her guns.

Tell her that she needs to 'take a chill pill'.

Slip her a chill pill without warning her first. Take photos of the inevitable chaos.

Tell her that violence is not the answer.

Send her to Anger Management.

Suggest she take up paintball as a hobby; just as painful, but much less likely to kill someone.

Ask if she's aware that she is stalking Mustang.

Constantly tell dumb blonde jokes in her presence. See how long it takes for her to say something (or shoot someone).

Wonder out loud why Mustang has loads of paperwork, but she doesn't seem to have any, ever.

Suggest installing video cameras in every room of Mustang's house. Inform her that this will make stalking him easier.

Tell her that Ed's hair is prettier.

Ask if she sleeps in the closet at the office, because she never seems to go home.

Tell her that closets are for fabulous shoes, not people.

Tell her that for the last time, his name is Ed, _not_ Edward!

And that the same thing goes for Al (not Alphonse).

Ask her if she enjoys scaring people.

Tell her that Mustang set his paperwork on fire.

Wonder out loud why Mustang is the Flame Alchemist, when she seems to be able to breathe fire without any array at all.

Make her wear a miniskirt.

Wonder why she seems to be the only woman in the entire military who isn't secretary.

Tell her that she needs to learn how to 'let her hair down'.

Steal her hair clip.

Order a bulletproof vest for Mustang.

Tell her that everyone knows she's in love with Mustang except Mustang, so kiss him already!

Force her to wear makeup.

Lock her in a room with Mustang while still wearing the makeup.

Use Photoshop to paste her head onto a bikini model's picture.

Post these pictures all around Central.

Sell a million copies to Mustang and convince him to ask for her autograph.

Hide her guns so that she can't kill you for the aforementioned photos.

Set her up on a blind date with Major Armstrong. Make sure he does the sparkly thing as often as humanely possible.


	4. Scar

**Ways to Annoy Scar**

Tell him that 'X marks the spot'.

Say that you think the scar makes him look 'gangsta'.

Tell him that his name isn't very creative.

Ask him if he ever washes his shirt, because it never seems to change.

Tell him to get a girlfriend.

Better yet, stop staring at Ed and ask him out, for God's sake.

Tell him that God isn't real.

Tell him to stop glaring at his arm. If he hates it so much, chop it off already; it's already been done once.

Tear the sleeves off of all of his shirts so people can see his tattoos.

Tell him his new look is sexy.

Tell him he shouldn't stress himself out so much; it causes premature aging. White hair, anyone?

Tell him that being emo at 40 isn't cool, it's pathetic.

Wonder out loud why he never as to pee.

Insist that this means he is dickless.

Tell him that his brother was a schizo.

Add that he is a manic depressive.

Pretend to be a psychologist. Insist he likes blowing people's heads up because he has a permanent splitting headache.

Prescribe him some migraine medication,

Slip him espresso. Take pictures of the resulting chaos.

Set him up on a date with Envy.

Insist this is a good match because Scar is pathetic and Envy is sadistic.

Warn him to stay away from Lust though, unless he wants to end up with more scars and have to change his name.

Start talking to yourself and take a vote on whether or not he would look good as a pincushion.

Unanimously decide that _no one_ would look good as a pincushion.

Tell him to take a bath; contrary to what he seems to believe, it won't bite. Much.

Insist he use shampoo; God knows he needs it.

Tell him that if he gets any more muscles, he won't be able to walk upright.

Contemplate this, and then tell him that Barbie is his perfect match.

Tell him it isn't healthy to be so tanned all the time.

Warn him about the evils of skin cancer.

Tell him he needs to get more sleep; his eyes are absolutely bloodshot.


	5. Greed

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to horsefeathers; your reveiw made my day, my month, my year! (lol, sound familiar?) It's great to know that so many people like this idea, because I'm considering doing some for other animes too. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! -Glomps reveiwers-_

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31 Ways to Annoy Greed 

Follow him around and glomp him at completely random moments while screaming 'MINE!' in his ear.

Use your best Mother Says voice and tell him that he needs to learn to share.

Send him back to kindergarten so that he can learn to share with all of his little friends.

Steal all of his stuff.

Tell him that he doesn't just have hard skin, he also has a hard head.

Tell him he's a kleptomaniac.

Inform him that wearing fur is considered animal cruelty.

Sic the SPCA on him.

Burn his pants while screaming, 'What is with these people and all the bloody LEATHER?!'

Warn him repeatedly that 'you can't take it with you when you go'.

Wonder out loud if homunculi ever have to pee, and if not, why.

Follow him around all day and say in a really happy, high pitched voice, 'Is this annoying? Is _this _annoying?' every few seconds.

Tell him to stop crushing on Ed and Envy, because they like each other, and NOT him.

Add that Greed can just go do himself in a corner or something, because no one likes him.

Wonder out loud if this is why he lets Ed kill him.

Tell him that suicide is not the answer.

Take him to Anime-con and tell everyone that you are the one who made his 'costume'.

Send him to live in one of those convents where they aren't allowed to own anything and spend all day praying.

Tell him that having sharp, pointy teeth is scary, not sexy.

Mutter about how sad it is that although he's over 140 years old, he's probably still a virgin.

Tell him that for someone named Greed, he sure is generous.

Send him to therapy.

Inform him that his hair looks like he stuck his finger in an electrical outlet.

Add that the severe electrocution must have been what fried his brain.

Do the big heart eyes while surrounded by flowers and squeal about how you and Greed are going to be together 'for ever and ever and ever!'

Tell him that black isn't his color. Neither is green, or blonde… oops, I mean yellow.

Tell him that if it weren't for the fact that he is completely flat chested, people would probably mistake him for a girl.

Add that the frequent, violent mood swings probably don't help.

Talk to yourself about how he is over 140 years old and still single.

Add something like. 'Geez, and I thought ED was picky!'

Tell him that he must not have been loved enough as a child.


	6. Major Armstrong

This chapter is dedicated to all of my wonderful reveiwers, but most of all to Blackened Blossom. It took me awhile, but I managed one on Armstrong! D And also to Numdenu- one on Aru-kun is coming soon, so please be patient!- and TwilightNatalia- I LOVE your suggestions. Most were put in Envy, but I did use one or two forWinry... you'll have to wait and see which ;).

I own nothing but toe lint, which you definitly do NOT have to sue me for.

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31 Ways to Annoy Major Armstrong! 

Call him a Major… Nutcase.

Play target practice with his sparkles.

Wonder why he has that _one_ lock of hair on his forehead.

Inform him that his hair is creepy and defies gravity.

Tell him that his muscles the laws of physics.

Decide that he would be a good match for Barbie; they are both blonde, scary, and have a habit of going topless.

Wonder out loud about the size of his clothing bill, since he constantly has to buy new shirts…

Tell him that he doesn't have to strut around half-naked to get laid; just go find a drunk chick.

Tell him that with all of the noise he makes, it's a wonder that he hasn't been shot yet.

Tell him that he's a Major Headache.

Inform him that he has a hero complex.

Send him to anti-guilt counseling.

Decide that he and Lust would make a good couple; they are both full of themselves and have huge boobs.

Casually mention that he looks like a giant baby with a moustache.

Comment on how kids are undergoing puberty younger and younger these days.

Buy him a soother; maybe it will stop his constant shouting.

Paint a bulls-eye on his big, bald head.

When he asks why, tell him that he makes himself a walking target anyway; he may as well look the part.

Dye his single lock of gravity-defying hair pink, to match his sparkles.

Shave off his moustache while he is sleeping.

Tell him that his eyebrows are scary; they aren't supposed to be able to _curl._

Wonder out loud if his giant muscles are simply making up for a lack of something else.

Tell him that major, violent mood-swings are an early warning sign of being bipolar.

Buy him a thesaurus for Christmas.

Tell him it's because he talks funny.

Tell everyone he's on steroids; how else could he be so buff?

Send him to a drug dependency support group.

Tell everyone that they should be thankful that his shirts are the only things he rips.

Inform him that he should take up opera; that way, he can be loud and get paid for it!

Add that opera will give him a great excuse to go topless.

Tell him that this will greatly reduce his clothing bills, since he won't have to replace nearly as many shirts.


	7. Envy

This one is dedicated to TwilightNatalia, thanks again for the AWSOME suggestions! To YumiSenkenKanshisha, I don't really know Jean Hvoc that well as a character, mostly because he's on so little. But if you could give me some suggestions, I'd be more than happy to try!

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31 Ways to Annoy Envy!

Tell him that he looks like a palm tree.

Ask him if he's absolutely _positive_ that he isn't a girl.

Wonder out loud why he wears a skirt if he isn't a girl.

Tell him that cross-dressing isn't cool.

Make him admit that he is jealous of Ed.

Tell him that Ed's hair is prettier.

Steal his teddy bear- that always makes him cry.

Tell him to stop stalking Ed and admit that he likes him, already!

Inform him that he is anorexic.

Send him to an eating disorder support group.

Force-feed him lard. Insist that it is nutritious.

Casually mention that he is a sadist.

Arrest him for committing 'the worst fashion crime you have ever seen.'

Wonder out loud if he shaves his legs, because of the skirt.

Spend hours just staring at him.

When he asks why, tell him that you have never seen a gender confused homunculus before.

Ask him why he shifts into Ed so much.

Tell him that he can't call Ed short, because he is short too.

Warn him that it isn't healthy to be so pale.

Decide that chronic paleness must be a homunculi thing.

Add that all homunculi also seem to have a leather vs. latex fetish.

Decide that must be why he is stalking Ed; that's practically all he ever wears, aside from the red jacket.

Spray him with instant tanner. Use the entire bottle.

Take pictures. Sell them for a dollar apiece.

Tell him that now, he_ really _looks like a palm tree!

Inform him that you think his plan to become human is, 'kind of girly.'

Ask him why he is always PMSing, despite the fact that he isn't a girl. (or so he says…)

Wonder out loud why he is so obsessed with making Ed bleed.

Decide that he must be a vampire.

Take him on a field trip to the bloodbank.

Follow him around with garlic and holy water.


	8. Lust

31 Ways to Annoy Lust!

Call her ugly.

Tell everyone that her boobs are fake.

Ask her for the number of her plastic surgeon.

Wonder out loud how many times she had to have liposuction in order to fit into that dress.

Tell her that it isn't healthy to be so skinny.

Tell her she needs to get a haircut. NOW.

Ask her why her dress is made out of latex.

Tell her that being goth at 40 isn't sexy, and neither is she.

Tell her she's a slut.

Ask her repeatedly if she is a virgin.

When she refuses to answer, tell everyone you see that she _is_ a virgin.

Ask her how on earth she expects to get laid when she stabs everyone that she sees.

Send her to anti-violence counseling.

Put Gluttony on a diet.

Tell her that Ed is prettier.

Insist that she _really _needs that haircut.

Set up a bitchfight between her and Barbie. Take bets on who will win.

Every time you see her, say, "What happened to you, cross the street without looking?"

Tell her that she would be perfect for Edward Scissorhands.

Set her up on a blind date with Edward Scissorhands.

Start planning their wedding.

Give her all sorts of bad advice on how to raise their little lawnmower babies.

Spend hours doing nothing but staring at her hair.

When she asks why, start screaming, "It's alive! _It's ALIIIIIVVVVVVVVEEE!_"

Send her to a relationship support group.

Ask her why she seems to be the tallest person on the show.

Decide it must be because she's wearing super stilettos.

Tell her that she has the manicure from hell.

Wonder out loud why she is so pale.

Decide it must be because she has a vitamin D deficiency.

Tell her that this is probably why she is experiencing permanent PMS.


	9. Winry

A/N: I was just reading through the information on this story, and I have just got to say, WOW. I never imagined that this idea would be so popular. I'm glad that it is though, because I've decided to post versions of this for a few other categories. I have received many suggestions for this story, for many different characters, and due to the sheer amount (and the fact that I'm usually done the character beofre my email gets off its ass to deliver the reveiw) I will be putting all reader ideas in a bonus chapter at the very end. That could take awhile though, as I'm getting many requests to feature less common characters.

_Enjoy._

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31 Ways to Annoy Winry!

Take away her wrench collection.

Inform her that she is bipolar.

Send her to Anger Management.

Warn her that it is _definitely_ not normal to be experiencing menopause at age 14.

Tell her that she should go and fire her hairdresser; preferably with a flamethrower.

Every time you see her, chant, 'Bottle blonde! Bottle blonde!'

Say that with all of the money she charges to fix Ed's arm and leg, you would think she'd be able to buy her own tools.

Ask her if she got into an argument with a lawnmower- and lost.

Tell her to take some of Ed's money and buy a decent wardrobe instead of hoarding it all, the miser.

Ask her if it would kill her to wear a freaking BRA.

Casually mention that her boobs will hang down past the bottom of her skirt if she doesn't strap them down somehow.

Every time she goes to hit Ed, yell, 'Duck and cover!'

Wonder out loud why she can't just have a _normal_ hobby, like collecting stamps or something.

Tell her that she sounds like Minnie Mouse whenever she goes shopping with Ed and wants him to buy her something.

State that forevermore, this shall be known as the "I-want-something" voice. Patent it.

Repeatedly inform her that she has a 'screw loose'.

Add that this must be why she s such a screw-up.

Accuse her of purposely fixing Ed's arm wrong so that he has to come back for repairs more often.

Add that if she wants an excuse to see Ed topless, just say so.

Call her a crybaby.

Tell her that, no, oil does _not_ count as nail polish.

Add that grease isn't considered shampoo- it is the_ reason_ for shampoo.

Make a slideshow on the benefits of deodorant.

Force her to sit through the slideshow, illustrating the important points with finger puppets.

Repeatedly call her crazy.

When she denies it, tell her that she just proved you right- crazy people never realize that they're crazy.

Add that the oil and/or gasoline fumes must have finally gotten to her.

Sic the people from 'What Not to Wear' on her.

Cackles madly while bribing the judges to make her look as bad as they possibly can. Make sure she sees you doing this.

Follow her around while singing, 'She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini!'

Tape record this and hide it in her room so that she can hear it, but not find it.


	10. Alphonse Elric

31 Ways to Annoy Alphonse Elric

Inform him that Ed is allergic to cats, so he can't have one.

Bring home a dog instead.

Name the aforementioned dog 'Killer'.

Buy Killer a cat plushie to play extremely violent tug-of-war with.

Tell him the SPCA's policy on animals that have not been adopted after two months.

Every time you see someone wearing fur, mutter, 'So _that's_ what happened to Fluffy…' just loud enough for him to hear.

Then run up to the offending person and start screaming, 'No! Not Fluffy! NOOOOOOOOOOO!'

Bug Al until he helps you with this.

Wait until he starts yelling at the person wearing 'Fluffy', then loudly start telling people that no, you don't know him.

Take pictures of this and show them to Ed.

Ask him why he wears that cloth thing around his waist when there's nothing there that needs covering.

Wonder out loud why he isn't always walking into walls, since he has no eyes to speak of.

Ask him why he's afraid pf swimming, bathing, falling into rivers, etc. but walking in the rain is perfectly OK.

Wonder out loud if it's possible for suits of armor to get B.O.

Add something along the lines of, 'Is Al even old enough to get B.O.?'

Tell him that it must suck to have to constantly worry about rain.

Jokingly inform him that maybe being stuck in the suit of armor isn't such a bad thing; at least he gets to skip puberty.

Get Ed to give him 'The Talk'.

Videotape his reaction.

Use special, permanent paint to color him pink.

Call his toga-thing a skirt.

Inform him that he is the buffest girl you have ever seen.

Casually mention that he isn't very graceful, for a girl.

Send him to ballet lessons.

Make sure that the name of the ballet school has the words 'beauty and grace' somewhere in the name.

Insist he wear a tutu. Make sure it's pink.

Take pictures of him wearing the pink tutu.

Tell everyone at the school that he is a 'hot' new supermodel from Norway.

Sell the aforementioned pictures to all of his admiring fans.

Loudly mention that now, Ed isn't the only girly Elric brother.

Show him an M rated Elricest story and tell him that this is what will happen if he doesn't set his brother up with either Mustang or Envy.


	11. Kimbly

_A/N: Hey, everyone! Another new chapter... I would just like to say that I have gotten a great many requests, and I promise I'm working on it and will get them all done... eventually. It's a bit harder now because the one's that are left are also the one's that I am less familiar with, but it's coming. I would like to dedicate this chapter to OTP, for helping write and beta this chapter, and also to Luf, for the request and some ideas to get me started. I also have an InuKag oneshot coming out on Vday, so keep an eye out for that and drop a comment. Have fun and review, minna-san!_

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31 Ways to Annoy Kimbly

1) Whenever he gets angry, loudly mutter, 'What an explosive temper'.

2) Tell him that as far as killing someone goes, he's a ticking time bomb.

3) Tell him that loud, violent explosions are not the answer to all of life's problems.

4) Tell him that 'he's got _nothing_ on the Looney Toons brand of TNT'

5) Add that despite this, he bears a great resemblance to Will E. Coyote.

6) Draw on his transmutation circles.

7) Cut off some of his hair.

8) Tell him that he seems like the kind of guy who would enjoy fireworks, as long as he gets to hold the match.

9) Every New Year's, ask him if he's going to start the year off with a bang.

10) Tell him not to play with the green colored pinecones.

11) Make sure he knows to keep the Mentos away from the Diet Coke. After all, Mentos+Diet Coke Explosion.

12) Warn him about the dangers of holding it in; spontaneous human combustion.

13) Tell him that Taiwanese food can give you wicked explosive indigestion.

14) Narrate his next public explosion- Horrified observers described the scene as "gut wrenching."

15) Follow him to Central and, during his next explosion, loudly comment, "This place really IS the bowels of the earth! They're all over EVERYTHING!"

16) Every time you see him blow someone up, mutter, 'Suicide bombings have nothing on this'.

17) Smiling widely, tell him, 'No guts, no gory'.

18) Ask him, So, if someone's bowels explode, does that constitute a weapon of ass eruption?

19) Happily follow him around while quoting Marvin the Martian- "Oh, my -- now **that** was an Earth-shattering **KABOOM**!!"

20) Tell him that he needs to work off some stress.

21) Suggest he go get laid- that should help.

22) Comment loudly that this is one of the dangers of being a tightass.

23) Whenever you see him blow someone up, mutter, 'Ah, the evils of constipation…'

24) Every time he blows up a woman, comment on the recent explosion of breast implants.

25) Convince someone to walk up to him and say "BOOM" really loudly.

26) Whenever you see him go to eat something, yell, 'NO! The red stick labeled TNT is NOT a chewtoy!'

27) Tell him that, no, the jar labeled 'C4' is not play dough.

28) Add that there is a reason it says 'Store away from extreme heat and open flame'.

29) Next time dinner burns, glare at him and growl, 'Well if you didn't like what I was making, you could have just _said_ so!'

30) Next time you see him blow someone up, act like a cheer leader, jumping around and cheering wildly. For added effect, scream, 'FEEL THE BURN!'

31) Mae everything he says sound as dirty as humanly possible.


	12. Hoenhiem

31 Ways to Annoy Hohenhiem

Tell him that he is a 'rotten dad'.

Inform him that he stinks.

Prepare a slideshow on the wonderful benefits of deodorant.

Illustrate all of the important points with poorly made sock puppets.

Be sure to give the squeaky, high pitched voices and stupid names (ie. Betty Sue, meet my good friend Mary Lou!)

Ask him if he has ever considered Botox as an option.

Add that a facelift wouldn't go wrong, either. Unless of course, it falls off first.

Send him to relationship counseling.

Sing 'Hohenhiem and Dante, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!' whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Tell him that he needs to relax more; he's falling apart at the seams.

Yell at him for disappearing all those years ago and never _once_ sending child support.

Tell him that it's his fault that Ed has abandonment issues.

With the creepiest smile you can manage, stare at him and sing, 'Smile! You're on Candid Cameraaaaaaaaa…'

Follow him around while constantly quoting Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter (ie. "Ah, yes. Unlimited life and unlimited wealth, the two things most humans would choose above all others. Unfortunately, humans do have a habit of choosing exactly what is worst for them…")

Refuse to admit that you are quoting Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter.

Decide that if you really _are _Albus Dumbledore, then that would make him your unfortunate brother, Aberforth.

Inform him that the mind is usually the first thing to go, not the body.

Wonder out loud what would happen if he got sick- would he puke his guts out?

Ask him if it is actually possible for him to cough up a lung.

Casually mention how odd it is that although his skin is falling off, his hair looks like something from a shampoo commercial.

Follow him around while constantly mimicking the girl from the Herbal Essences commercial ("Yes, yes, yes!")

Say this as loudly and as often as you possibly can.

Loudly point out and wonder about all of the strange looks you seem to be getting.

Calculate the age difference between him and Trisha at the time that they were married/ having kids.

When you see the results, stare blankly into space with wide eyes.

When he asks why, jump up and point a finger at him while loudly screaming, 'Get away from me, you freaking pedophile!!'

Report him to the National Sex Offenders Registry.

Ask him what happens to the souls of the people whose body he inhabits.

Wonder out loud if he has ever inhabited a woman's body.

Decide that if he has, that it would make him not only a pedophile but also a pervert.

Add that since Dante is in love with him, that would make her a lesbian. Which, when you think about it, explains all the female and semi-female homunculi in latex clothing.


	13. Pinako

**31 Ways to Annoy Pinako**

Tell her that her head looks like the MacIntosh logo.

Tell her that she has no right to tell Ed to drink his milk; she's even shorter than he is.

Ask her why she seems to have a constant case of laryngitis.

Tell her that she sounds even more demonic than that old 'Speak and Spell' game.

Ask her what the hell kind of parent names their kid 'Pinako'?

Refuse to call her Pinako.

Call her Pinhead instead.

Tell her she looks like a walking, talking mud stain.

Add that the nasty apron probably doesn't help.

Ask her why she always seems to be doing laundry, but she always wears the same outfit.

Add that the aforementioned nasty apron could do with a good wash.

Follow her around singing, 'Follow the yellow brick road!' in a high pitched, squeaky voice.

For added effect, skip.

Call Ed 'Dorothy' whenever you know Pinhead can hear you.

Ask Winry if she's a good witch or a bad witch.

Check under the house with a flashlight.

When she asks why, tell her that you're looking for the Ruby Slippers.

Insist that Al allow himself to be referred to as the Tin Man.

Add that Hoenhiem is the Scarecrow, since there's such a resemblance.

Ask her where her bat wings went.

When she asks why, say, 'What? Did you get in a fight with the other flying monkeys and quit?'

Wonder out loud if she got severance pay.

Give her an Elmer Fudd hat.

Sneak around the house on your tiptoes and whisper loudly, 'Shhh! I'm huntin' homunculi! Ehehehe…'

Switch her shotgun with a squirtgun that is similar in appearance.

Conveniently forget to tell her.

Insist on having candy for dinner.

Grab big fistfuls of candy and sing happily, 'We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild…'

Use scissors to snip off the little pointy thing on the back of her head that she calls hair.

Close your eyes and whisper, 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home…' while clicking your heels together.

Whenever she enters the room, develop a spontaneous facial twitch. The longer she stays in the room, the worse the twitch will get. Have a seizure if you have to.


End file.
